My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
