Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I looked at my own cervix.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My bed smells like the plague
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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