We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
