Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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