i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
