In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
