Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
