soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
