i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
is it fun? or sober?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
