Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
