so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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