Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
