People in love make me want to vomit
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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