you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
