you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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