So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Redeem this text for a blowjob
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
