i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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