He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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