I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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