im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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