I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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