Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
is that a dick in a sweater?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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