it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Drunk is not a location!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
