those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
