i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
