I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Randomize
