Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
What a dumb baby whore.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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