Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
only you would photoshop your dick
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Randomize
