I'm so fucking centered right now
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
