haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just want nice things and good sex
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
