my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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