she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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