The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
