Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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