I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
