Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I need a burrito and a hug.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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