I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
