I need help removing her.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
