A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
