also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
