I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
