Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
