Have you finally orgasmed yet?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
