So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
