Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
