if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
