things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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