i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
