trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
