So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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