sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
